To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people just exist, and I am part of the millions.

I was living my life normally like everybody else and I thought it was a success. Until I turned 25, I thought it was just part of the so called “quarterly crisis”, but no, it was me facing reality of life. I have to admit, I avoided it for a very long time. But I guess, you can never run from the truth, and the truth hurts.

We create our own destiny, they say. We paint our own rainbow of joy and we can choose to be happy if you want. Everything is possible if you believe it to be. Though, I cannot go with the changes. I cannot go with life. There are so many beautiful things ahead, but I keep looking at the past and felt contented with the safe circumstances of it, I never see the thrill and beauty that lies in the now and in the times ahead.

The hurting feels like the pain won’t go away. It will start on my chest, run through my veins like lightning, creeping within nerves until it stays on my head. Sometimes, I want to end the pain by hurting myself more. But it doesn’t really heal anything. It just damages what was already ruined. But, don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my life, nor myself, I had a good run, I’ve always believed that optimism is a happiness magnet, until the nightmares crawl into my nights and put me in the dark.

I’m stuck and broken, literally. I do want to go back to the times that I have high hopes with everything. Optimism was my best character. I was always out for the fun and the thrill. I am someone always hoping, dreaming, and believing. Now, I’m just one cynical foolish woman, floating in my bed around 2am, looking at the cracked ceiling with tears in my eyes, confusion in the head, not knowing what to do with my life.

Everyone can make a difference in their own world and I should start on my own. I want to do more than exist. I am meant for something greater than that. I am born to live, not just exist. There is no more time to waste. I should live and I want to start now. I will choose to live and not exist. Breathe. Dream. Believe.

live do not exist


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